I skipped work to stalk him.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
