im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
