I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Randomize
