I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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