can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
