Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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