why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize