I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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