1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
