i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
