How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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