This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Randomize
