Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
