Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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