STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Randomize
