SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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