hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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