the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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