can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
