end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize