3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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