Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
So apparently I’m into choking now
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