If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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