Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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