i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
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