Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Randomize
