i love accidental penises.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I need a beard to bite.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
