i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
