I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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