piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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