I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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