david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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