so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
