when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize