I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Randomize
