Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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