Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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