Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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