I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
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