She looked like Sean Connery with cleft lip. So to answer your question, yes I put it in her butt.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
