Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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