PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
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