I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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