Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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