Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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