I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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