Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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