your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
