thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize