You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I love having hate sex.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
