you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
