He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
