Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
