he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
