I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I want you more than these girls want KFC
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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