i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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