I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
