I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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