I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Farmville is her only friend.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
