apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
