mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Randomize
