Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
3pm strippers are depressing
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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