I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Randomize
