so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
he told me I talked like a deaf person
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
