The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
