Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
